I do not write in the evenings. Most days, I’m so drained by work that processing language is difficult. Reading brings little pleasure, and I don’t retain much of what I read. Playing games and watching TV feel like a waste of time. When bedtime rolls around, I’m frustrated because I feel like I’ve wasted my time. Often, I stay up late trying–and failing–to make something out of the remains of the day. That leads to more frustration. Worse still—I start the next day fatigued. It’s a classic self-reinforcing feedback loop.
I can’t do anything about the fatigue caused by work. I’m a consultant and a trainer. Listening and talking are literally how I earn my living. I’m not in a position to retire yet.
I can’t stop working, but neither can I dampen my creative impulse. I wouldn’t do it even if I could. I’ve decided to try an experiment: use my evenings to learn to draw. I bought an iPad app (Procreate 5) and a Udemy class on drawing. I would like to become proficient and drawing from life and from my imagination. Cartooning appeals to me but I want to explore everything the course has to offer.
The drawing that accompanies this post is my baseline. This is what I can do now, before starting the class. I’m actually pleased with it. It is a reasonable approximation of what was in my mind when I started. I like that hair left ear peeks out from her hair–some is tucked behind and some falls in front.
This is the best I can do, now. I’m going to enjoy getting better.
I found this vignette in one of my notebooks. I have no memory of writing it and I certainly have no idea where I was going with it, but it’s cute, so I thought I’d share it.
Sylvie’s desk was in the back of the classroom. Wood top, plastic seat, metal legs. The desktop bore the scars of many years of service. Scratches, gouges, and names carved into it surface. When Sylvie spilled water on it one day, a lot of it soaked right in before she could get a wad of paper towels to clean it up.
The next day when she came in, a branch had sprouted from the spot where she’d spilled the water. It stuck up and blocked her vision of her teacher. She wanted to move but the class was full and there was no place to sit but on the floor. Instead, she bent the branch down out of her way so she could see. Every time the leaves rustled, the teacher scowled at her.
The day after that, Sylvie came prepared. She had stolen a pair of her mother’s pruning shears so she could cut the branch off. But the branch had grown into a shrub. She tried to trim away enough twigs and leaves to look through. With every soft snip of her shears, her classmates gave her dirty looks. And it was no use. New branches grew in as fast as she could clip them. And every twig that fell to the floor sprouted its own growth. By the end of the day, a forest surrounded Sylvie that was so thick that she wasn’t even sure she was still in school.
I have been remiss in blogging for several weeks, in spite of my best intentions. I had a good run for seventeen days. I accidentally broke the streak when I wrote a post but forgot to publish it before bed. That set the stage for skipping a day, then two, and then two weeks went by in the beat of a hummingbird’s wings.
In spite of what this lapse suggests, blogging is important to me. That’s why I keep coming back to it.
I write at least one entry in my journal every morning. That exercise limbers up my mind. Often, those entries are not good writing, but the discipline of doing it prepares me for other forms of writing. Sometimes an entry helps me work through a scene I’m struggling with in my fiction. Sometimes I write about work problems and find a solution that way, or at least come to understand the problem better so that I can solve it later. Rarely, I can revise an entry for a blog post. (That’s how “Letters” began.) That’s never the intention, though. When I sit down at my keyboard with a cup of coffee at hand each morning, I am writing for an audience of one, and that one is myself.
I like the idea of blogging because I crave a different type of discipline. In the journal, I allow my thoughts to wander wherever they will. With blogging, I want to channel my thought into a specific topic and construct a coherent narrative or argument. Publishing that effort forces me to be accountable to an external audience.
Why do I struggle to do it, if it’s so important and I want to do it?
Fatigue plays a large role. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks, which means I start each day with limited energy reserves. I reserve mornings for writing fiction. I spend my workdays engaged in cognitive labor. By the time evening rolls around, I don’t have a lot of mental energy left to spend.
I don’t know how to solve my sleep problem. If I did, I would have solved it already. But I’ll keep experimenting until I find the solution. Until then, I’ll blog as often as I can muster the energy.
I rarely look at my old journals. So rarely, in fact, that I sometimes wonder why I bother keeping them. Today, I was moving a volume from 1998 and dropped it. It opened to a page with a post card clipped to it.
The postcard was from me, to me, exhorting me to remember something that happened on a trip I was on. For reasons lost to me now, I was cryptic about the thing I wanted to remember. It’s lost to me now.
I read the entry it was clipped to, hoping that something in it would job my memory. The key was not there, but I found something else: the opening paragraph to a whimsical story. I remembered writing it. I remembered what inspired it. I remembered where I intended to go with it. I have no idea why I abandoned it. The next few entires don’t even mention it. Pity. It was pretty good.
I played my guitar for the first time in years last week in honor of John Prine. I haven’t played it since and although I want to play more, I probably won’t.
It had been five years since I last played. I was rusty, for sure, but I thought I hadn’t lost much skill. I could get back to where I was five years ago without much effort. The trouble is that I wouldn’t likely get much better than that, either. The reason I stopped playing was that I reached a plateau. I couldn’t increase my skill any farther without devoting more time to practice than I could spare.
Broadcaster Ira Glass talked the fact that as beginners, creative people often have less skill than taste. The gap between what they want to create and what they can create is disappointing. That disappointment is why many quit. That is where I was: unsatisfied with my skill, but unable to improve. If I’d had the time, I don’t doubt that I could have been a very good guitarist. But writing called to me more than playing did, and so I decided to focus on fiction.
I’m almost halfway through revising my latest novel, with the working title Faithless. It is the best thing I’ve ever written, and when I finish this revision, it will be better still. For the first time, I look forward to trying to find an agent because the story is good. I believe there’s at least one agent out there who will see its potential and find it a home. And my next novel (already percolating in my mind) will be better still.
I miss playing guitar sometimes, but I made the right choice to set it aside.